Now what?

I've been thinking about the different kinds of "bullying" struggles that kids and parents have described to me over the years. A friend of mine mentioned that "bullying" may be too strong a word- that many people don't associate some of the behaviors that are defined as "bullying" by that word, therefore parents and others may be more likely to brush off the idea that their children are dealing with a serious problem (or could be a source of a serious problem.)

So whether or not the issue is stereotypical "bullying" (shoving, pushing, threatening, etc.) or a more subtle form of "bullying" (exclusion, repeated teasing to the point of causing distress, gossiping, rumor-spreading with the intent to cause distress), there are usual ways that kids respond, and things that parents can do to empower children to find a solution.

Kids respond to bullying in stages. The first response may be to tell the adult-in-charge (such as a teacher) that they are having a problem with another child. Ideally, an adult-in-charge will critically assess the situation and take steps to prevent further bullying behavior, using appropriate channels of communication with all involved children, parents, and school staff. Ideally, the entire system that involves the inappropriate behavior is addressed quickly and from many different angles.

Sometimes the adult-in-charge does not respond quickly, or they respond inappropriately. (I have heard many complaints from children that I counsel that when they try to involve the teachers or chaperones, they are frowned upon for "tattling" on another child. While it is possible that this is the case, assessment must be made and action taken if necessary.)

Whether the child just perceives that the adult is inaccessible, or whether the adult truly does not want or know how to deal with bullying behaviors, the end result is the same: a child who is being bullied (in any of the above-mentioned forms) does not feel like they are in a safe environment. Physiologically, they begin to spend longer periods of time "parking" in the stress response. Long-term "fight-or-flight" (stress response) can be detrimental to health. Stress is an important modulator of brain function, and prolonged stress can have serious consequences, especially regarding the brain's ability to remember and learn.

More on stress and the brain here.

If a bullying situation is not resolved, children may try to stand up for themselves. This can lead to the bullied child trying to use the same inappropriate behaviors on the bully. Name-calling, pushing, shoving, etc. can backfire. The "bully" continues to get his or her reward- they continue to get a response, and the bullying behavior continues.

So, what can we do? Many, many things can be done. First, adults must be educated! In the links section of this blog you will find some very good educational websites related to recognizing "bullying" behaviors as well as how to address those behaviors. We must keep in mind that any of these "bullying" behaviors which cause a child distress require critical assessment and some type of intervention. I will post more about different kinds of intervention, but I want to point out that one of the best things that we can do is give our kids the gift of learning how to be assertive. Yes, even kids who are naturally shy can also be assertive if they need to be!

Assertiveness means standing up for yourself in an appropriate way, not getting your way all of the time. It is about expressing your needs without disrespect, and feeling like the environment is safe enough to express those needs!

That being said, the assertive child best responds to bullying by NOT RESPONDING! Strange, huh? Not really, but I will blog about this later.

Excellent website about teaching kids to be assertive here.

As always, hope you have a wonderful day!