North Carolina senate passes anti-bullying bill!

Anti-bullying bill clears a major hurdle in North Carolina- the bill was passed by the state senate, and is a step in the right direction! The bill would require that any school employee who witnesses bullying or harassment of any kind, or who has information about such incidents, must report to school authorities.

Read more about this proposal here.

Summer Classes

Yes! I'm happy to launch Peak Zone Kids! Please visit the website:

www.PeakZoneKids.com

Thanks! And more on bully busting in the next day or two...

Bullied kids more likely to become psychotic preteens.

A recent Medscape article relates new research on children who are traumatized by bullying. You can read the press version at this site. Please note that you must sign into Medscape to have access to the article. I will summarize later. Thank you Lynda for this information. Just another reminder that many kids don't "outgrow" the trauma of being bullied!

Now what?

I've been thinking about the different kinds of "bullying" struggles that kids and parents have described to me over the years. A friend of mine mentioned that "bullying" may be too strong a word- that many people don't associate some of the behaviors that are defined as "bullying" by that word, therefore parents and others may be more likely to brush off the idea that their children are dealing with a serious problem (or could be a source of a serious problem.)

So whether or not the issue is stereotypical "bullying" (shoving, pushing, threatening, etc.) or a more subtle form of "bullying" (exclusion, repeated teasing to the point of causing distress, gossiping, rumor-spreading with the intent to cause distress), there are usual ways that kids respond, and things that parents can do to empower children to find a solution.

Kids respond to bullying in stages. The first response may be to tell the adult-in-charge (such as a teacher) that they are having a problem with another child. Ideally, an adult-in-charge will critically assess the situation and take steps to prevent further bullying behavior, using appropriate channels of communication with all involved children, parents, and school staff. Ideally, the entire system that involves the inappropriate behavior is addressed quickly and from many different angles.

Sometimes the adult-in-charge does not respond quickly, or they respond inappropriately. (I have heard many complaints from children that I counsel that when they try to involve the teachers or chaperones, they are frowned upon for "tattling" on another child. While it is possible that this is the case, assessment must be made and action taken if necessary.)

Whether the child just perceives that the adult is inaccessible, or whether the adult truly does not want or know how to deal with bullying behaviors, the end result is the same: a child who is being bullied (in any of the above-mentioned forms) does not feel like they are in a safe environment. Physiologically, they begin to spend longer periods of time "parking" in the stress response. Long-term "fight-or-flight" (stress response) can be detrimental to health. Stress is an important modulator of brain function, and prolonged stress can have serious consequences, especially regarding the brain's ability to remember and learn.

More on stress and the brain here.

If a bullying situation is not resolved, children may try to stand up for themselves. This can lead to the bullied child trying to use the same inappropriate behaviors on the bully. Name-calling, pushing, shoving, etc. can backfire. The "bully" continues to get his or her reward- they continue to get a response, and the bullying behavior continues.

So, what can we do? Many, many things can be done. First, adults must be educated! In the links section of this blog you will find some very good educational websites related to recognizing "bullying" behaviors as well as how to address those behaviors. We must keep in mind that any of these "bullying" behaviors which cause a child distress require critical assessment and some type of intervention. I will post more about different kinds of intervention, but I want to point out that one of the best things that we can do is give our kids the gift of learning how to be assertive. Yes, even kids who are naturally shy can also be assertive if they need to be!

Assertiveness means standing up for yourself in an appropriate way, not getting your way all of the time. It is about expressing your needs without disrespect, and feeling like the environment is safe enough to express those needs!

That being said, the assertive child best responds to bullying by NOT RESPONDING! Strange, huh? Not really, but I will blog about this later.

Excellent website about teaching kids to be assertive here.

As always, hope you have a wonderful day!

Something to ponder this weekend...

Success in the affairs of life often serves to hide one's abilities, whereas adversity frequently gives one an opportunity to discover them.

-Horace

It might be interesting to inspect those situations where we (ourselves, our family members) face difficulty, and look for what is right within adversity. What strengths do we draw from that we may not be aware of? Practice looking for what is "right" in how you deal with tough situations instead of looking for what you are doing that is "wrong."

That is all. Have a lovely weekend!

Tonight on CNN

Just tuned into Anderson Cooper on CNN for some late night television, and the Live topic of the evening is bullying in American schools. Very insightful reporting. You can catch it right now (9:45pm central) or on the AC360 site.

Good night!

What exactly is bullying?

As I search the web looking for a concise definition of "bullying", I find that there really isn't a nice, specific definition. Of course, Merriam-Webster defines bullying as 1. to treat abusively, or 2. to affect by means of force or coercion. These definitions are specific, but don't really seem to fully convey the potential of the word. Bullying is what Merriam-Webster defines it to be, as well as all of those subtleties that our own experiences define it to be.

My own experience reminds me that bullying can be physical in nature: pushing, shoving, pinching, subtly walking past another person and "accidentally" bumping into them. Bullying can be social in nature: exclusion, gossip, verbal taunts, or badmouthing another person. A more recent form of bullying has made the press lately: cyber-bullying (I refer to it as "the online beast!") which takes many forms, and is found on many social network sites that kids and teens frequent.

So, my journey today has taken me to another favorite online haunt: Wikipedia. I recommend checking out this thoughtful definition put together by many people, because it seems to best describe the different kinds of environments and situations in which people find themselves subjected to bullying. I also encourage each of you to reach into your own grab-bag of experience with bullying and think about what it means to you.

I hope this week starts out nicely for you all, and remember...

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Why do I care?

I pondered how to start this blog, and I think that I would like to share with you my family's own history with bullying along with some sobering statistics.

My daughter has always been a very sensitive and empathetic child. When she was in 1st grade and began complaining of "tummy aches" after school, my husband and I thought that perhaps she had a stomach bug. As the mysterious after-school tummy ache waxed and waned over a few weeks, a trip to her pediatrician was in order. The tummy ache was chalked up to her dairy allergy, although our daughter denied eating any offending foods. We were extra cautious with her diet but the tummy aches continued. When the tummy aches started to happen in the car on the way to school every morning, I knew that there had to be some other explanation.

My daughter consistently denied that anything was wrong at school, and not wanting to upset her further I did not press the issue for a few days. One morning however, she was close to tears because of the tummy ache. After some quick thinking, I pulled up to the school and told my daughter something that I remembered from when she was a "little kid in preschool." I told her about the times that I remembered her getting tummy aches when she was nervous or worried about something. I reminded her about the time that the class went on pony rides, and how her tummy hurt until she got up on the pony and started to have fun. I also reminded her of the time that her teacher called to tell me that she had grabbed a stick on the playground and ended up with a 1/2 inch splinter in her hand. When I got to the school to pick her up, she was in tears not because of the giant splinter in her skin, but because of a tummy ache! As soon as that splinter was out of her hand, the tummy ache went away.

So sitting in the car in front of her elementary school that morning, I asked her if we could "pretend to be detectives" for a moment and gather clues about the tummy aches that she was suffering from right after and on the way to school every day. She thought real hard about it, then in a rush of tears proceeded to tell me about the "2 big kids that tease and shove" in the after-school care program every day. That wasn't all- these older bullies had threatened retribution if she told anyone that they were picking on her. I was horrified! Not only was she suffering physically and mentally at the hands of her peers, I realized that I had no clue how to go about dealing with bullying in an effective way! My years of training as a counselor had not specifically prepared me to handle this kind of situation, so there began my education in how to help empower kids to deal with bullies.

Handling the situation with my daughter took hard work, time, and patience. I can happily report that she has been "bully-free" since, and I've even overheard her sharing her own strategies for how to deal with teasing and bullying with some of her neighborhood buddies! She is still the sweet, sensitive girl that she always was. She also seems to stand up a little taller, and is more outgoing with her peers. I was even told by her teachers that she seemed to "come out of her shell." I can breathe a sigh of relief now, and I am confident that she owns the skills that she needs to handle bullies, and that she knows it!

When asked, most parents will report that they care about bullying. But most parents don't realize the statistics behind the act of bullying, and that most odds point to their children being involved in bullying at school in some way.

According to the National Education Association (1995), an estimated 160,000 children miss school every day because of fear of intimidation or attack by other students. Victims of bullying are more likely to suffer from physical problems like colds and coughs, sore throat, poor sleep, and poor appetite (Oklahoma Health Department, 2001.)

A 2002 Families and Work Institute National Survey of Students in Grades 5-12 reports that 66% of youth are teased at least once per month, and that nearly 1/3 of youth report being bullied at least once per month. Six out of ten American teenagers witness bullying at least once per day (National Crime Prevention Council, 2003.)

So as shocking as these statistics seem, most of us can think back to our own childhood and recall experiences with bullies in some way, either as the target, a witness to bullying, or even as the bully.

I plan on sharing more stories and statistics, but the goal that I have in mind is to use this blog to share strategies and information on how to empower kids to deal with bullies. It is teaching and guiding them wisely that will help to "grow" more resourceful and self-confident young adults.

Have a peaceful and relaxing weekend.